Li'l Andy chronicles the pit-stops and hangovers of his 10,000km tour of Le Canada.

"Sudbury and thereafter"

First leg of the tour and already the van needs repairs. The air-conditioning is about as effective as placing a Mr. Freeze in front of a fan and feeling the breeze blow over you. Before we left my parents' homestead, my father, a farm boy all his days, had methodically checked the weather trends in every city we were playing.

"It was 37 degrees in Regina today!" he warned.

We decide to wake up early and hit the Canadian Tire. My brother Will asks directions from a joyously friendly woman wearing an "OVER 50 and still PARTYING!" t-shirt.

"The least busy Canadian Tire is the one in the south end," she says while nudging Josh in the side with her elbow. "Just watch out for the Natives!"

Oh, Northern Ontario: where the racism is kind enough to use politically-correct terminology.

***

Inside the Parts & Service department, I speak with the Customer Service Co-ordinator while William and Josh try to amuse themselves and the staff in the following ways:

1. Sitting on the ATVs inside while making "vroom! vroom!" noises and bouncing up and down on the shocks.

2. Waiting by the checkout line and asking any elderly woman with large purchases if she would like them to carry her items out to her car. They score additional points by addressing them all as "young lady."

3. Testing out the hockey equipment in aisle 12.

This last in-store activity yields unexpected results. With Josh playing offense and Will in "nets," a stray puck knocks over a display, prompting a 45 year-old Canadian Tire employee to the scene.

"Hey! Hey! This isn't the NHL here! You can't be shooting pucks in the store!"

Will straightens up from the butterfly position. Josh never takes his eye off the puck, but responds to the Canadian Tire guy's pleas while dekeing around the aisle: "Don't worry. Everything's under control here, man. Seriously--these sticks work really well."

"Look, I'm going to have to ask you to stop. Last month, we almost got sued because an old lady got hit
in the head."

Josh has still not made eye contact with the employee.

"What she needed is a catcher's mitt. And these sticks work really well. The Sherwood 57? It's a fine stick. Not too much give like a carbonite or Easton, you know? But there's still plenty of give. Watch!"

Josh whips a shot for the employee's enjoyment. This is too much for him.

"Hey, this isn't my only job here, buddy!" And like a quick-draw cowboy pulling out a six-shooter, he produces a golden Canadian Tire Security Patrol badge in a folding leather wallet, waving it in our faces. The thing is complete with an embossed Canadian Tire shield on the face of the badge.

Chased by the sheriff to the edge of town, we head out across the roads of Ontario to Thunder Bay.